Coming out of sleep, I felt all emotions suddenly break past my wall of control and come to the surface. I couldn’t hold them back any longer. “I just want to be able to have kids again” I heard myself sob. I could feel tears begin to stream down my face.
As I passed through the layers of fog from deep sleep back into consciousness I saw my future kids running in a field surrounded by the most beautiful sunset…the kind where the very air around you is hazy purple and the ground is golden.
I know, I know. This post is a little more emotion-filled, and therefore perhaps uncomfortable to read. But honestly, I dream about my future babies because I want them so badly. I see them…I see my daughter with her future brothers and sisters…and I trust that one day I will get to conceive, birth, and nurture them.
Anesthesia is weird. In that moment, it was like a powerful truth serum, revealing against my will what I’ve been feeling deep down this whole time. Even though I was in a recovery room full of other patients, I just let the tears come.
“I have some tissues and some apple juice for you” a voice said. “It’s time to wake up now. Your procedure is over and Dr. S will be over to talk to you in a minute”, I felt a cold box of juice be pressed into my hand.
Even though I could feel myself coming back to full awareness, I kept my eyes closed for a few more minutes, savoring the last few moments in that sunset and watching those children slowly float away like clouds. I wanted to finally honor these feelings and give them their moment.
I already knew in my mind and heart that Dr. S would say they found nothing significant and that I needed to go for a gastric emptying scan to confirm gastroparesis.
I just knew it. But even still, I allowed myself to hope for an easier answer.
A few minutes later, Dr. S. came over to me, super upbeat because his administration of yet another endoscopy had gone well for him. “Hey Caroline. Your procedure went really well, and we didn’t see anything of concern. We’re probably looking at gastroparesis which is super common in young women, so I’ll write you an order to get a gastric emptying scan and we can go from there.”
He said those words so nonchalantly and run-of-the-mill as if he had no awareness of how it might feel to have gastroparesis or to be told you have it. It hurt.
Like a weight, disappointment wrapped itself around my usually optimistic heart and dragged it downwards to a very low place.
I was SO hoping they would find SOMETHING that would easily explain all of this agony. The early fullness, the feeling like food wasn’t making it into my stomach. All the days and nights of constant hunger, shakiness, and feeling so weak. My body screaming at me to eat. Feeling all the physical and mental symptoms of starvation. The lapses in memory, the achy muscles being eaten away. My cold, bony, gaunt body that hurt when I sat or lay down. The mood swings from hunger, the moments of sudden, deep depression. Feeling so unlike myself.
After enduring ALL of this, and finding NOTHING…honestly…I didn’t want to suppress the anger anymore. Later, I silently yelled in my journal “God, why aren’t you HELPING me?! I am trying everything I know to do and it’s not improving anything…I don’t want to do this anymore. I’m done.”
Driving home after the endoscopy, I felt the fight go out of me. All of this…since October 2024…And in January 2025 it was 90% better. Like…I was feeling normal again, and it felt SO GOOD. But then in February, I overdid it with activity and stress levels one week followed by traveling and catching a sickness the next week. All those things combined threw me back to square zero, and I just was so done. I had no more fight to give.
Little did I know that in just 48 hours, I would find answers where I least expected them…and that, just like the dark before the dawn, everything was about to change.
Hey! I’m so glad you’re here. If you know of anyone who would be helped by reading my story, please feel free to share this article with them.
Whatever season of life you find yourself in today…take time to nourish yourself — body, mind, and soul <3
Warmly, Caroline
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